Godel - 10:52 p.m. , 2009-03-22 awake - 8:31 p.m. , 2008-08-20 Auspicious Omens - 3:06 p.m. , 2007-07-19 the never - 12:03 p.m. , 2007-07-18 vbs - 855788 , dfbhhj weekend update, a bit late: saturday-- rode bikes around, watched scary movie sunday-- had nice breakfast, read some proust, then had conversation about oregon, karmic ties to my family here... it went on for a while, whereupon i retreated to the bathroom stunned and unable to complete a thought. Then i ignored my family and went upstairs, locked the door. cried. no thought was working. calmed down and watched some catholic philophers discuss the difference between faith and reason. then had round 2 discussion where we both stated our positions... less an accurate summing up of all things... more a snapshot of our present state of mind. oh yes, in between talk 1 and talk 2, i deleted my novel and threw out the hard copies. my little two year project. oh yes, and while i was in the bathroom, feeling miserable, it occurred to me how easier everything would be now if i'd merely had the sense to kill myself earlier. and that thought irritated me, so that's when i decided to clean my mental house of something with no articulable future. get rid of an energy drain. (pilar, during this, was doing similar things in the kitchen... rearranging things, throwing things out... saying, "i just couldn't stand it any more," and i understood how she felt. talking about oregon is horrifically painful to me. not that i don't love the state and its cities, mountains, coastlines and rivers. they've even got minor league baseball down in keizer. Onto this composite, add the recession, job prospects around here, and over there, prospects of affordable housing. so you've got the practical considerations, and then there's the emotional dimension... how would move back affect family here. is it more relaxed? has mom's self-fulfilling prophecy about pilar's desire to return come true? if so, then she may be less disheartened. what was the purpose and meaning behind this return to nh? have a nother baby, get a nother career for pilar, be closer to my family. get into a community of friends and family on a regular basis... get out and do things... steve was going to do something with sales consulting perhaps... then decided on a different job... which didn't work out as he'd hoped. so he finished his degree. they had a baby. he stayed home and worked on his third novel, theone that would be the charmed. but something was lacking. the story seemed thin. he never knew what it was for... and besides most of the sub-chapters consiwsted of him writing about man puttting down their mothers, remembering, thinking wistfully of things that thy've done. wondering whether of herability to give the good quiet that's what came out of that time well at the end of this arduous journey , deleting files up and downstairds, hauling through the dusty notebook where i kept my pages... i felt some remorse of bringing thatt in. but what can a man do? throw it the fuck out and do something else... why waste type pissing and moaning about it... and this, by the way isn't pissing and moaning. this is your own mind processing information, remembering the significance of writing from a place of inent
writing from intent
Main Entry: plas�tic�i�ty
Pronunciation: pla-'sti-s&-tE
Function: noun
Date: circa 1783
1 : the quality or state of being plastic; especially : capacity for being molded or altered
2 : the ability to retain a shape attained by pressure deformation
3 : the capacity of organisms with the same genotype to vary in developmental pattern, in phenotype, or in behavior according to varying environmental conditions
NOOER
wicked old stuff